there are days when you absolutely don’t know what to do with yourself.
but today i felt like spinning.
so i did.
and now, i want to roll down a large, grassy hill.
for old time’s sake.
i am, at the moment, at a very precarious state.
do i build a thicker wall? do i let these sentiments just consume me?
i want to be able to let go.
i want to move fast, not thinking, twirling in messy pirouette, then collapse onto the floor.
to find myself gazing into the eyes of a billion stars,
just
breathing.
how did i end up in this situation.
i don’t know whether to feel relieved, anxious, or just apathetic.
apathetic feels safest.
————
somedays you just have to cry. there’s a ball of ache lodged somewhere in your chest or esophagus and you’ve got to cry it out. ebbs and pulses of tears to help spit it up.
why is it like this.
why do i still feel so alone at the end of the day.
three am creeps up and i am left only thinking. nothing of great importance, probably, but i still feel almost certainly lost. what is this.
i am suddenly thinking of you. of loss. of instant oatmeal in the mornings and watching martha stewart. of wanting to wake up next to you again. growing close. being close. being held—everything.
and i think about love. about falling in love with essence, and strange things, like chapped lips. i think about how terrifying it is—and how potentially… magical. is it like that? magical? would that be a good word to use? when i close my eyes and think about you, i don’t know what to feel. there are too many layers of fear to pull back.
jealously, too. i’m wondering why i can’t be happy for those i should be happy for. but i see myself, and where i am, and i think to myself, so selfishly, i’ve gone through struggles just as hard and overwhelming. why am i still stuck so low? i’ve known death, too. i’ve known the taste of salty tears and cries pressed tight to your throat so no one can hear and emptiness and dark. yet i know, in the very depths, that i only want attention. i only want to feel superior. i only want what i don’t need. Abba, i’m asking you to take this away from me. set me free.
fear. i know it. it’s in the way i push things to the very back of drawers and stuff things away far, far down where i won’t be able to see them or remember them until i need them again. like old pages from my diary and college rejection letters.
i am just waiting. when you’re waiting for something, all sorts of things rise to the surface of your mind, every little thing scrambling for air, wanting to be noticed, but no, no, no, sometimes i don’t want any of it. other times, i want it all. i want to breathe everything and then give up everything to make sure i’m not hiding anything from myself. but this inevitably feels more like a doing of the head and not the heart. is that good? bad?
where am i. what am i doing. God, bring me back. i am thinking of heaven, but i am not there yet.
i used to think about your redeeming love all the time.
